Kill the Pines
by Fueled By French Fries
Summary: "You're already dying, Zero," the strange triangle said. "What do you want me to do, challenge you to a fiddling contest?" Mild gore in the first chapter, language in the whole thing due to originally being published to tumblr. Updates when I feel like it.


It is just after midnight in Gravity Falls, and the Mystery Shack is quiet. All occupants are asleep. Probably. No one quite knows what Ford is doing at this hour. But whatever it is, it doesn't matter.

Without warning, a mission gone off the rails comes screaming out of the sky.

Some time and distance away, a hero frantically fumbles in the woods.

Some time and distance away, a demon watches.

* * *

"Guys? Guys, where are-"

Though he has been in the multidimensional heroism business for almost a year now, Penn Zero is so taken aback by the extent of his friends' injuries that he briefly considers, then rejects, the very real possibility of their deaths. Desperate for some sort of consolation, he reaches for their wrists and feels faint, but existent pulses.

He can't see much; the only light available is the glow of the shuttle's smoldering wreckage. Luckily, the crash hasn't exploded or caused a forest fire, but he doesn't want to be around when that luck runs out.

Priorities. Sashi is pinned under something that probably used to be the controls. While dragging it away, he swears he heard something crack- hopefully a twig. "Sash! You're free! Now, now wake up! Eyes open. There," he says, opening her eyes.

Sashi lays there with her eyes open.

"Don't just lay there with your eyes open! Come on! Come ooon!" he shouts, frantically shaking her. This isn't especially helpful and only spatters blood on the ground. She didn't even try to attack him. That couldn't be good, but it wasn't like he could do anything. "Yeah, this. This isn't going anywhere," he says quietly. "Sorry." He checks her pulse again before moving on to Boone.

Well, that was his intention.

Instead, his attention is drawn to a sound not unlike an enormous vacuum cleaner behind him. The sky looks as if the Atlas of legend said "fuck this" and just punched an enormous hole in it. The tops of the trees are pulled towards the hole. What is this? What is-

A small, one-eyed Dorito pops out of the hole, which closes behind it.

Penn Zero gaped.

"Oh my god. I'm dead. I'm dead and I'm in hell and hell is sponsored by the Dorito company."

The Dorito snaps, summoning a little cane, with which it does a little dance. "Da da da da da, da! Pow! Name's Bill Cipher, nice to meet you, Zero! Nice subconscious you got here!" Bill tips his little top hat, causing the world to suddenly tilt sideways, and then back as he puts it back on. Or maybe Penn's just that concussed. The triangle is emitting a syrupy yellow light, causing him to discover a big reason why he can't see very well- blood is running down his face, most likely from a gash.

"What? What? How do you sort of know my name?"

"I know lots of things! You're scared to death of sock puppets!" Another Bill spawns next to him. "You're not supposed to be in this universe!" Yet another Bill appears. "Also, you just blacked out, and soon you're going to die!"

"WHAT?"

 _Ford trundles into the woods, half-awake, a sidearm in his pocket, as always, and a dim pocket flashlight in a six-fingered hand. He had been dozing off over his notes and had been startled awake by something that sounded like an explosion._

 _In a few paces, he will step in blood._

"Haha! But here's the deal." The Bills condense into one. "I was watching you earlier, and I must say, I'm impressed! Stealing a dimension-hopping shuttle to try to get home when your usual ride broke down? I'm surprised you survived entering the atmosphere! But what I'm saying is, I like you. And I'm thinking, 'hey, human lives are a pretty useful bargaining chip, and this kid seems pretty competent!'"

This guy is insane. Penn needs help, pronto. Where's that flare gun? "So what's going to happen?"

"What's going to happen, is I'm going to make you an offer!"

"Oh, like a deal with the dev-"

"I mean like a job offer! Jobs are what you're good at, right? See, Zero, bringing you mortals back from the edge of death is a pretty big deal. The general rule is a life for a life, but in light of recent circumstances, I'm going to ask for a little… extra. So. Pines. I'll need you to kill them."

…Wait. Is this, this thing, this fucking Dorito, asking him to be a lumberjack? "Wait, wait, wait. What's the catch?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't these things always have a catch? For all I know, you'll want me to cut them down with a herring, or do that for the rest of my life, or something stupid."

"You're already dying, Zero, what do you want me to do, challenge you to a fiddling contest? Look, I'll give you the tool of the trade to prove it!" Bill sticks his free hand inside his body, pauses for a moment, as if rummaging around, and then flings an axe directly at Penn's head. Luckily, he ducks, and the axe lodges itself in the ground, somewhere in the fire. Penn looks at the axe, then at the glowing triangle, considering.

He sees a flicker of an old man with cracked glasses. He's mumbling something he can't make out, and Penn's head lolls over to a position where he can see a shack in the distance. If he's seeing the waking world, he can't be dead. But if he keeps bleeding like he is, he will be.

"Stay with me, kid," he hears somewhere in the distance.

"And what if I say no? Wh-" He's cut off by a violent coughing fit, followed by a wince as he realizes that something must have punctured his lung.

" _Grunkle Stan, who is this?"_

" _What's going on?"_

The glowing triangle looks at Penn, and then at the foamy pink blood on the ground. "You won't."

" _I don't know! Poindexter, you better explain this!"_

Bill extends his flaming hand.

"… _Fine. But if we end up crazy or dead because of these kids, it was your fault."_

Unable to say anything more, but not for lack of trying, Penn Zero shakes it.

"Okay, but I still have…" he finally rasps out,

* * *

"Questions." He blinked, and now he's lying on a funny-smelling couch and God, everything hurts. He reaches up to his head, and he finds that it's bandaged. He looks to his left, and finds he is on someone's porch. The shack from earlier. He also finds that he is handcuffed to a pig.

Hm. Not the strangest dimension he's been in. Not the strangest dream he's had, either. Maybe he could ask the pig where he is.

"Excuse me-"

"Hello!"

There is now an image of a train next to his face. "AH!"

"I'm Mabel! There's something on your face! They're my eyes!" Mabel has backed away a bit, and now he can see that the train is a design on a very lumpy and very blue sweater that is draped over a very small girl.

"Hello… Mabel. What are you doing here?"

"I live here right now! You know what you're doing here, right?" Then she lowers her voice and quickly says, "Because if you don't we'll have to drive you to the hospital probably and that'll be hard to explain to the cops."

"You what?" The old man. "Grunkle" Stan. "Then that guy from earlier, with the cracked glasses, he's your 'Grunkle Stan?'"

"No. Well, yes, kind of. It's complicated."

"Well, whoever he is, I need to talk to-"

"Sh." She motions for him to come closer. "They're gone right now, getting bandages and stuff. Not coming back until later, but you got to avoid my brother. In fact, they're all telling me not to talk to you." Mabel wiggles her eyebrows at him, then unlocks the handcuffs and turns to enter the shack. "Are you coming in or not?"

Mabel, who has a little experience guiding tours from that one time she was in charge of the Shack, enthusiastically shows him around. "This is Grunkle Stan's room!" She says, gesturing at the closed door. "This is great-uncle Ford's room," she says, noticeably lowering her voice again, as if unsure if he's actually gone or not. Penn has no idea why she pointed at a vending machine when she said that, but as a part-time hero, sometimes he just can't question things. "This is the attic!

"And this is Dipper!" Mabel gestures at a tired-looking prepubescent sitting on the floor- Boone and Sashi are lying on the two beds in the room, still unconscious, though Sashi is stirring a little. Dipper's face is a near mirror image of Mabel's; twins, most likely. His attention snaps to them.

"Mabel, what did I tell you? We weren't going to let this guy in the house!"

"Come on, Dipper! He doesn't look that bad; he probably just needs some TLC and a comb! I've got to pass on the Pines name somehow, 'cause you sure as heck aren't going to do it!" Whoa. Hold it.

"Wait, wait, wait. Your… your last names are?"

"Why are you telling him this stuff? He was holding an axe when we found him!"

"Pines! Dipper and Mabel Pines!"

What.

There was an axe.

He was holding an axe.

Their names are Pines.

Oh, god, no.

The world continued around him.

"Maybe he… chopped his way out?"

"Oh, for the love of- I am keeping an eye on you," he said to Penn before running downstairs, then coming back up with something from the gift shop. "As for you, Mabel, I'm just going to leave this here."

He placed a sign that said "YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE" next to Penn.

It was noticeably taller than Mabel.

* * *

A/N: look

look i made a funny

idk if im going to continue this or not so don't hold your breath


End file.
